Complete Randomness

Confessions to the Psychiatrist: Miranda Nox’s Break

I looked into Josh’s eyes.  They did not hide anything from me.  His longing to hold me into his arms; his desire to keep me in his presence; his hunger to have our lips touch…to share an everlasting passion.  To him, everyone else in the restaurant was nonexistent.  He loved to have me around him, and he also wanted to have my undivided attention.  

I felt suffocated…trapped…like an abused toy.  So I told him no.  No, I will not marry him.  A sigh of relief parted my lips.  ”Okay, that is perfectly fine as long as your happy,” he said with a smile.  Five minutes later, we left the restaurant.  He would not let me pay for my half even when I offered to do so.  I felt ashamed.  He took me home, and we shared one last hug before I locked the door behind me so he can drive off.  

I woke up the next morning, started a pot of coffee, went outside to get the morning paper, and turned on the television to watch the news…nothing new. Outside my front door was a envelope with only my name on it.   Bewildered and confused was my first reaction, but as I tried to read the letter, a news story caught my ears.

The story I heard had me shaking to the floor.  I was weak, a river of tears left my eyes.  How could a man do such a desperate thing to himself?  

Josh got drunk after he took me home.  Depressed and alone, he wrote me this letter before wrapping his car around a tree last night:

Dear Miranda,

I am sorry that I have to leave you so soon on such short notice.  I do not know what has gotten into me last night, asking you to marry me and such.  I just felt like we could be more than a relationship, more like an everlasting bond.  I am sorry that I came to you too strong and possibly frightened you away, but what ever makes you happy I am willing to let you have it; even if that means us being departed.  I will always love to see you smile again.  You have always brightened my world.  Take care of yourself.

Sincerely,

Josh <3

“What do I do now?” Miranda asked.  ”Well,” said the psychiatrist, “I think you should try getting closure.  You still have one more hour for today.”  Miranda: “where do I start?”

Every night I come to bed

And every time i lie awake

Never sleeping, eyes blood shot

How can I manage to live like this.

I just can’t deal anymore

Everything has become impossible to reach

We started off so fast, now we just crashed

I can’t handle your possessiveness, your carefree ways

It irritates me

A ball of discontent grows. 

I feel like I rather be away than to be close

and I know I should tell you how I feel

It is just so hard

To try not to cry 

To try not to yell 

scream

mud-sling

fight.

I just can’t deal anymore.

I want to be away and it hurts me to feel this way constantly.

At night I lie awake, contemplating about us

And even though it has been wonderful so far

I can’t help but feel that you are not telling me the whole truth

Such as I have not told you the whole truth with how I feel.

In all actuality, it is not your fault

I thought I was ready

for a committed relationship to open my life with happiness, 

But I was wrong. I wasn’t ready

Nor would I ever be?

I don’t know, I don’t really care right now.

I just want to get by

Or maybe just end my life.

tell me how it feels 

to have my arms around you

holding you, loving you

i’m just blown away 

one night, i catch you with her

doing all the things you do with me

crushed, left broken to die

tell me how it feels

to have my hands around your throat

choking you, squeezing you

i am relieved from my pain

as you may surely know

i have grown a liking towards the impossible

yes, i know. i am incredibly mad.

ludicrous. infatuated. unbearable.

to tell you a secrete: i sometimes think of suicide

to save me and release me from this world.

you do not like it; convincing me to stop.

i am sorry, but i cannot; it has grown a part of me

for i am not afraid to die nor do i know if there is an afterlife.

i live how i want and i am damn proud of it.

there is no changing me or my demonic ways.

either leave me now or embrace my darkened side.

You

What is this thing called happiness?

Is it a feeling of satisfaction or a state of being?

Can it empower one to do great things and change the way he thinks forever?

I wish I knew; to be able to grasp it with my hands, to hold it and caress it.

Tell it sweet things and send shivers down its spine, make it feel like nothing else matters in all the world.

What is this thing called happiness?

And why doesn’t it stay forever?

It teases me and makes me long for it and search for it until I want nothing else to live for but that.

I would stop living just so I can have it in my life, I would die for it.

As much as I desire this happiness, I know I should just stop trying to make it want me like I want it.

I must be myself and slowly approach her treat her gently like a proper lady.

Then, maybe then, happiness would want me too. All I need to do is wait.

Ms. Lovely

oh joy oh cheer

this is a wonderful time this year

and over down yonder at that one lady’s house

lived a million gazzillion bazzillion cats and a mouse.

oh my, that lady would whistle and move so quick to the tempo and bass of the music

she even went to rock concerts and started commotions in the pits.

not that there was a problem with that but she had a wicked kick to everyones face that tried to get near.

she was an amazing old lady, she had it all

good friends, a good life, nothing could have ever went wrong.

she never complained nor did she ever surpass judgment which caused everyone to love her, cats and all.

you startle me your anger scares me and i dont know what to do

the simplest thing i do, a little question i ask 

ruins your whole day.

have you forgotten i am no god, only human

i make mistakes and i am trying to learn

but you dont give me a chance to prove my worthiness 

you wanted to try,  then let’s try.

closer and closer your hearts touch. nearer and nearer the stars point to you. always, your actions fall short. intentions so pure won’t go unnoticed.

Can i see what it is like from your perspective? I want to know what it is like to be you, to feel what you feel, to sense what you sense.

Looking into those eyes full of passion is the greatest feeling that keeps me alive

You see, you have this hold over me. Like gravity is forcing us together. Silly, i know. Trust me ive tried to stop it.

my heart is black from the memories of you

it seeks to destroy everyone

to burn you

to kill you

end

when i think of your worthless corpse

i want to go on a killing spree

i dont give a fuck that you want me to turn the other cheek

revenge is much more sweeter when i hear you screaming